Change the Prophecy

My heart is shadowed tonight with what-could-have-beens.

Darkened by the moments that slipped away too quickly - the ones I never fully had the time to cherish before they had to end.

Dimmed with lingering what-ifs from the relationships that could only go so far.

It’s been a very tough couple of months - not just raining, but pouring, and there are days that I feel like I’m drowning in it all.

I’ve always been good at putting on a brave face, but lately, my Jami facade has started to crack, and underneath is the sad, scared, lonely little girl that I’ve been ignoring for most of my life.

I began performing at a very young age - both onstage and off. I performed strength, confidence, calmness, and bravery like an Emmy winner. A true Mirrorball girly, I have always reflected the version of myself that the people around me needed and wanted most. But recently, an earthquake in my world cracked that mirror, and pieces have slowly been falling off, exposing the vulnerability underneath.

I’ve cried at work.

I’ve told secrets to complete strangers.

For the first time, I can’t keep my shell together, and my insides are spilling out all over the floor.

The more I sit with myself and feel, the more I realize that what I’ve craved forever is closeness. I want people to know me and love me anyway. To see through the glass like a two-way mirror and choose to get closer to what they can see on the other side.

But letting someone see through the windows of your soul is the real catch-22 because vulnerability is terrifying. Vulnerability leaves you exposed to heartbreak and rejection. Most times, you’ll be left feeling naked and bare.

But what happens when the nakedness turns to intimacy? That’s what all humans desire - people who make them feel seen on the deepest levels and adored anyway.

Most relationships will only go so far; most moments will pass by too quickly. But every so often, two paths will collide and change the prophecy.

It’s in these rainfall moments that you learn who your real loves are, but maybe in my case, it’s in this moment that I’m learning who I really am.

And who I am is a sad, broken girl hoping for light - from someone else, or finally, from within - so she can sparkle.