Spilling The Tea... and Finding My Joy

Holy shit, it’s finally 2021.

What’s up, folks. Long time no talk, eh? Sorry that it’s been a while - actually, I really should apologize for being MIA for the majority of 2020 as a whole. It was a horrendous year for everyone, but it was especially chaotic for me and I just wasn’t in the right headspace to publish my thoughts. Even when I did, you might have noticed that they just weren’t… me, and it’s because I wasn’t, either. Trust me, no one would have wanted to read what I was actually thinking last year. Don’t worry, I’ll get into it in a bit. But with that said, I’m back and it’s a new year and I’m feeling healthier and happier than I have in a long time. A lot’s changed around me and I know I’ve left a lot of things unexplained. So, for my first post of 2021, I thought I’d get back to my roots - headphones in, and just stream-of-conscious my truth during the wee hours of the night. My how this brings me back… Buckle up - I’ve got some tea to spill and it’s going to be quite the ride.

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So, where to even start. Let’s go back in time, shall we? Many of you recall that I used to live abroad. I lived (what I thought then) was my absolute BEST LIFE back then. But, as with all good things, my time away eventually had to come to an end and I was forced to move home. What I didn’t talk about too much was the absolute heartbreak I suffered when that happened. I hit a mental low lower than I’d ever seen. I was leaving my favorite place in the world - that I had tried for years to stay in; I was leaving my then-boyfriend for a very extended period of time, and I was being forced head-first into the adult world with my first job out of school… as well as back into my childhood bedroom at my parents’ house. Fuck my life on so many levels. Then, what seemed like minutes after my wheels touched down at Grand Rapids airport, that then-boyfriend broke up with me and left me to struggle with all the sadness alone. It was rough, but I managed with the help of my best friend, my parents, and a few Jeremy Clarkson books. A while later, after I had gotten my driver’s license and settled into my life at home a little bit, I met a boy… and that’s when everything changed.

When we first met, we sparked like fireworks in both good and bad ways and those flames continued burning for three years until they eventually consumed us both. We moved quickly - too quickly, for sure - like two hurricanes blowing through everything in our paths. Living fast and hard, I made the decision to move in with that boy across the state, and leave my horrible job for my most recent (and most-cherished) one (hi Shift friends, if you’re reading this - love to you all). I was fully adulting at this point - paying bills, filing taxes, driving to work… the lot. But I was feeling more disconnected from myself and more unhappy and lost than ever. Things just kept getting darker and darker for me as the months went on. I hated where I was living for a dozen reasons and my relationship was consistently slipping in a more toxic and unhealthy direction. Before I knew it, I had become a true shell of the person I once knew - suffocated by my situation.

Months went by like this and I slept less, ate less, and cried more. It was a never-ending cycle of darkness.

Then, COVID-19 happened.

Everyone struggled being cut off from their loved ones and their co-workers, myself included. I felt more isolated than ever - stuck in a living situation that had absolutely hit rock-bottom. By the middle of 2020, I had been reduced to a person who didn’t leave the couch for days on end… no really. Stopped eating, bathing, or moving, unless I had to get ready for a Zoom call for work - and no one around me really knew. I was stuck - mentally, physically, and financially.

I’m not sure what inspired me to take the plunge to make the decision that changed everything. Thinking back, I couldn’t really tell you what was going through my mind when I hopped on the internet that day and decided to find a way out, but I thank my lucky stars every damn day that I did. Eventually, my ex and I had the fight to end all fights and I left. It was over the course of two weeks I packed my life into a truck, got my affairs in order, and with the help of my mom and dad, drove across the entire country to Florida - where I am today.

It took months for me to heal from the fighting and the isolation and the negativity around me. Months of just doing what was best FOR ME to finally start feeling more normal again. And with every passing day, I see my old life with clearer eyes. It’s crazy how different your life can look over the course of such a small time frame and it’s crazy how much you can miss (or ignore) when you’re too close to a problem.

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I’ve been in Florida now for 4 months and I am absolutely loving it. It’s warm and a good kind of crazy and exactly the sunshine I needed in my life, both literally and figuratively. And while I miss my last job and co-workers SO MUCH, I do have an incredibly challenging and valuable job now that pushes me to learn and grow and get out of my comfort zone every day. I couldn’t be more grateful for it because, without it, I wouldn’t be where I am now - literally.

So, now you know about the dark secrets I kept pretty close to the chest, let’s talk about the happy ones. Sure, getting out of that toxic living situation and into the sunshine and finally finding my independence has CHANGED MY ENTIRE LIFE FOR THE INCREDIBLE, but it’s not the only thing that’s changed in a good way.

This is James.

James is, without question, the kindest, sweetest, most gentle, sensitive, loving man I have ever come to know. We met by pure chance and he has spent every moment since then showing me what it truly means to be respected, appreciated, and adored. Now my days are filled with laughter and excitement for life that I have never known before now.

He’s a Kiwi living in England - so the majority of our time together has been spent on video dates, or watching Tiger King and The Lord of The Rings together virtually, but he’s moving back to New Zealand soon. So, with my impulsive now-or-never energy, I flew out to see him for my birthday and spent three weeks in England quarantining with him and playing house (I’ll tell you all about it soon, don’t worry). I kept the entire adventure a secret - with only the subtle hint on Instagram to give it away until I’d arrived back stateside. It was the best, most relaxing, and most positive three weeks of my life. Keeping him and the trip a secret and not shouting about them both from every hillside was unbelievably hard, but I’m so excited to finally be able to share my happy news with the world. James is the best thing to come out of my entire year - the best thing to come out of many of my most recent years, honestly.

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I found a lot over the last 12 months. I found James, I found my first truly healthy and fulfilling relationship, I found an exciting new job and a gorgeous new home, I found my freedom, and I found myself.

So, here I am now. Starting 2021 with an entirely new outlook on life. I’m starting this new year in such a good place - I’m stronger than I’ve ever been and I’m never going back to that couch - not the one in my old life, or the one in my mind.

I finally feel like I understand what the fuss is all about. I finally feel like I know what it means to be… happy. I finally feel like I found my joy.

And that brings me to today. James and I rang in the new year with nearly every time zone - celebrating for 18 hours straight because this year, I had many things to drink to and cheers for. This is what brings me here tonight - back to this blog. Back to a forum that I used to find so much joy in and have such a passion for - a passion I lost when the going got tough. For so long, I lost my voice, but now, it’s been found. Tonight I felt inspired to sit down and tell my story. Tonight, a week into this new year, I am making a promise to myself, and now to you, to get back to the version of me we’ve all missed. I’ve got a lot of crazy things planned for this year - both on this blog and in my life and I couldn’t be more ready. I hope you are, too.

Thanks for hanging in there with me, my loves. Hopefully at least one of you took something from this - even if it was just entertainment while you were reading it. But if not, that’s ok, too. I’m telling my story and sticking to it, for me.

Wishing you a happy new year everyone. May this be the year you, too, tell the story of finding your joy.

“Find joy in everything you choose to do. Every job, relationship, home. It’s your responsibility to love it, or change it.”

— Chuck Palahniuk

“We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy.”

— Joseph Campbell

“When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.”

— Buddha