Dear 2018, It's Been Real. K. Thx. Bai.
I say a lot of things in my day-to-day life - most of them completely true. Sometimes I exaggerate, sometimes I gloss over the nitty-gritty, but don’t we all? Where I’m going with this is that I wanted to make sure you all know that each and every word I leave here for you to read is as true as can be said, when it’s said.
A few months back, in a life-update post, I said that things were mainly good all around me, and that’s still true. I DO have a cool new job, and I AM glad that Ethan and I are doing well and loving our new metropolitan life. Those statements are as true as the rest of them in that post. But to only showcase the positive aspects of my life in my writing would be unrealistic, dishonest, and would make me appear disingenuous - doing both myself and the authenticity of my blog an injustice. While positivity and fun are good reads, no one lives a totally pleasant life full of sunshine and rainbows - despite how it seems on Instagram. And I’ve been doing a LOT of reflection lately and while things on the outside couldn’t be better, things on the inside have been pretty damn hard lately. By on the inside, I don’t necessarily mean my mental health, although that’s been better too, if I’m honest. No, what I mean is, those closest to me, who REALLY know me, and know me outside of my Instagram pictures and my blog posts have seen the ups and downs that 2018 really brought.
It’s late in December and if I’m being honest, I CAN’T WAIT for January. I am so beyond ready for this year to be over. Upon reflection, I’ve realized that 2018 just wasn’t my year. And that’s okay - in no way am I saying that every year should be perfect. I’m more than aware that some periods of your life just suck and there’s little you can do about it except get through them as best as you can. 2018 was one of the years for me.
My best friend and I, like many long-distance BFFs, regularly catch up via some form of internet chat. I am so grateful for her for a million different reasons, but one in particular this year - she can relate to what I’m going through on a real level.
When we catch up, almost every time, since the beginning of 2018 - or maybe even a little earlier on, if I’m thinking back correctly - we vent and lament about how lame things have been at points for both of us. We’ve both had more than our fair share of rejections this year, both in our careers and in our personal lives. Not to mention, this is the first official year that her and I have been “in the real world” - and in case I haven’t made it clear enough already, adulting is HARD. Simple things that most people older than us are already used to dealing with are hard your first time around - like scheduling your own appointments, paying taxes, working, paying bills… even small things like driving yourself around and navigating traffic and unfamiliar roads when you need to be somewhere can be daunting things for some people. Especially daunting for young ladies like us who have lived relatively sheltered lives and who have normal levels of anxiety anyway.
I’ve realized as this year comes to a close that other than this wonderful space you’re on right now, I don’t have a ton of things to call my own anymore. Many of the great things that I used to be involved with while I was in school just aren’t options anymore and most of my friends are far away from me - living half-way across the country or on another continent. Truthfully, if I didn’t have my nearest and dearest who all do their best to give me support and distractions as often as they can - and of course my favorite escapes like this blog, Lush-powered bubble baths, and my nightly GBBO marathons - I think I’d have gone absolutely insane by now.
I don’t normally speak for others on topics like this, but I’m sure she would relate that we are definitely having a bit of identity crisis at the minute. What’s next on a our life plan? And why do I feel such a lowness and emptiness these days? Something is definitely missing from my life and I just can’t place it. Maybe it’s a new exercise routine? Maybe it’s a new hobby? Whatever the case, I’m in a slump. And I’ll wager that I’m not the only one thinking that they really could have done without much of the last year - minus a few really special moments.
I can’t wait for 2018 to be done because I need a clean slate and some inspiration to get my shit together. And I’d bet if you asked my darling BFF - as well as a whole slew of others around the world feeling similar things about this year - they’d say the same. 2018 brought me joy, yes. 2018 brought me Ethan, yes. 2018 brought me many things I’m grateful for - new relationships and new traditions, for sure. But 2018 and I just aren’t a great fit.
So, yeah… it’s been real, 2018. K. Thx. Bai.
So nothing personal, 2018. I’m sure you’re going to go down in history as a monumentous year in your own right. But, it’s not me... it’s you... and in a few days, we are through, and I couldn’t be happier to be done with you. 2019 and I have a lot of potential and I’m eager to get to know it better.